Preview: New Zealand v France II
The good news is that France's mundane and wholly unnecessary tour of New Zealand has morphed into a ferocious white-knuckled bout full of gore and drama. The bad news is that none of the action takes place on the field.
There can be no better place to stick the boot in than Wellington, and the build up to Saturday's second Test at the Westpac Stadium has seen Graham Henry and Bernard Laporte conspire to break Jonny Wilkinson's record for most swings of the leg in a week.
Henry, already irked by the weakness of the touring party, pointed an accusing finger at the tourists in the wake of his side's stuttering 42-11 victory in Auckland last week.
According to the increasingly vocal New Zealand coach, France had feigned injuries and deliberately collapsed scrums in order to slow down the pace of the game and scupper the All Blacks' momentum.
Another bone of contention concerns the number of players who are set to leave New Zealand for European clubs in the aftermath of the Rugby World Cup, with Henry accusing the northern hemisphere's moneymen of something tantamount to poaching.
Laporte, who once famously dismissed jeering fans in Paris as "bourgeois s**ts", was never going to keep his own counsel.
He answered back in devastating style, accusing Henry and his assistant Steve Hansen of being hypocrites and insinuating that they were riding on the coat-tails of a handful of excellent players.
"I'd like to say to Graham Henry and Steve Hansen that they spoke a lot less when they were coaching Wales," said the France coach.
"When we beat Wales 36-3 at Cardiff [in 2000], he [Henry] had a lot less to say before and after the match.
"It's like they're riding a wave here. I imagine it's got something to do with the good air in New Zealand.
"That's good, because it's [Joe] Rokocoko, [Dan] Carter, [Richie] McCaw, [Ali] Williams who are making sure of their successful coaching careers.
"He [Henry] is not very happy that people go to Europe. He criticises the players who go to Europe, he criticises the French and English who take them.
"I think the pupils do like the teacher. He was a very good teacher who took all the money when he went to Europe himself."
Jose Mourinho eat your heart out.
It would be wonderful if the French players could muster an equally vehement response on Saturday, but the All Blacks are sure to deliver the punchline to what Laporte has called a "joke" of a tour.
Reinforced by the selection of loose forwards Rodney So'oialo and Jerry Collins and scrum-half Byron Kelleher, the men in black will be set on notching up their 24th consecutive win on home soil, a mean streak that stretches back to 2003.
The loss of Dan Carter to an ankle injury is unfortunate, but the selected XV looks technically stronger than the side that ran out last week.
France have made four changes following their heavy loss at Eden Park, with coach Bernard Laporte handing first caps to 35-year-old prop Olivier Sourgens and inside-centre Lionel Mazars.
Three more uncapped players - flanker Fulgence Ouedraogo, scrum-half Mickael Forest and full-back Benjamin Thiery - are included among the replacements.
Despite the changes, the tourists will look for continuity and climb straight back up the noses of their hosts.
Whether or not the French deliberately employed spoiling tactics in the first Test is up for debate, but the truth is that cynical play is not beyond the best of teams - not even Henry's heroes. For better or for worse, it is part and parcel of the modern game.
Henry said his comments were based solely on aesthetic concerns. The quality of world rugby is "deteriorating", he claims, and the French are principle proponents of the creeping negativity.
Whilst one feels compelled to commend Henry for his defence of beauty and righteousness, let us not forget that he is one of rugby's most seasoned professionals. His words weren't directed at the French - they were directed at the whistle-blowers at the forthcoming Rugby World Cup.
No side has found an answer to New Zealand's intoxicating cocktail of quick ball, pace, continuity and support play.
But a third-rate French side threw a small spanner in the well-oiled works by dragging the Rugby World Cup favourites into a pitched battle, and Henry's robust outburst suggested that his side could be vulnerable in such conditions.
It's not quite an Achilles heel, let's call it a sore spot - one that other teams, particularly South Africa's squad of colossuses, would be advised to pick at should they wish to avoid the inevitable in France later this year.
Players to watch:
For New Zealand: That the 'poaching' row centred on the future of Luke McAlister speaks volumes of the young man's standing in New Zealand rugby. The Blues star possesses the size, athleticism and skill to excel in the 10, 12 or 13 jersey, and is developing the brain to match his natural talents. Interestingly, McAlister is one player who went the other way - he spent his primary school years in Lancashire in England, representing the county in age-group soccer and Rugby League, before returning to New Zealand.
For France: After being dropped from the XV on the eve of the first Test for skipping a video analysis session, Julien Laharrague is back and eager to make up for his crime. The 28-year-old is by no means big by the standards of modern rugby, but his long quick strides, beautiful angles from deep and imperious gait makes one misty-eyed for the days of Blanco when backs were full of grace rather than muscle. His crusade against modernity has been tough, he first pulled on the blue jersey at ripe old age of 26, and recently won a permanent contract with Sale Sharks - his sixth club - with Sale announcing the signing on the premise that there is "a good chance he will be able to play for us during the World Cup". Laharrague might have something to say about that on Saturday.
Head-to-head: Keith Robinson (New Zealand) v Pascal Pape (France): New Zealand have recalled an enforcer to break up France's claustrophobic forward play. Keith Robinson goes up against Pascal Pape, France's unsung soldier who is beginning to get the credit he deserves for season upon season of hard graft.
Prediction: With the rust now shaken off, the hungry locals will make easy work of the bedraggled tourists. New Zealand by 38 points. Recent results:
2007: New Zealand won 42-11 at Eden Park, Auckland
2006: New Zealand won 23-11 at Stade de France, Paris
2006: New Zealand won 47-3 in Lyon
2004: New Zealand won 45-6 at Stade de France, Paris
2003: New Zealand won 40-13 at Stadium Australia, Sydney (RWC)
2003: New Zealand won 31-23 at Jade Stadium, Christchurch
2002: Match drawn 20-20 at Stade de France, Paris
2001: New Zealand won 37-12 at Westpac Trust, Wellington
2000: France won 42-33 in Marseille
2000: New Zealand won 39-26 at Stade de France, Paris
1999: France won 43-31 at Twickenham, London (RWC)
1999: New Zealand won 54-7 at Athletic Park, Wellington
1995: New Zealand won 37-12 at Parc des Princes, Paris
The teams:
New Zealand: 15 Leon MacDonald, 14 Joe Rokocoko, 13 Isaia Toeava, 12 Luke McAlister, 11 Sitiveni Sivivatu, 10 Nick Evans, 9 Byron Kelleher, 8 Rodney So'oialo, 7 Richie McCaw (captain), 6 Jerry Collins, 5 Ali Williams, 4 Keith Robinson; 3 Carl Hayman; 2 Anton Oliver, 1 Tony Woodcock.
Replacements: 16 Keven Mealamu, 17 Neemia Tialata, 18 Chris Jack, 19 Chris Masoe, 20 Brendon Leonard, 21 Ma'a Nonu, 22 Doug Howlett.
France: 15 Thomas Castaignede, 14 Julien Laharrague, 13 Arnaud Mignardi, 12 Lionel Mazars, 11 Jean Francois Coux, 10 Benjamin Boyet, 9 Nicolas Durand, 8 Sebastien Chabal, 7 Olivier Magne, 6 Damien Chouly, 5 Julien Pierre, 4 Pascal Pape (captain), 3 Olivier Sourgens, 2 Sebastien Bruno, 1 Christian Califano.
Replacements: 16 Raphael Iba?ez, 17 Nicolas Mas, 18 Olivier Olibeau, 19 Fulgence Ouedraogo, 20 Michael Forest, 21 Nicolas Laharrague, 22 Benjamin Thiery.
Date: Saturday, 9 June
Venue: Westpac Stadium, Wellington
Kick-off: 19:35 (07:35 GMT)
Conditions: Sunny, dry, light westerly winds - max 10?C, min -4?C
Referee: Craig Joubert (South Africa)
Touch judges: Stuart Dickinson (Australia), Paul Marks (Australia)
Television match official: Matt Goddard (Australia)
Assessor: Brendan McCormick (Australia)
By Andy Jackson